in my head i write like a blog post every day, but then i never actually sit down at the computer and type it out. So then i think oh ya i never said about that. I hope i can remember it now.
first things first. when you boy asked you to play catch after school you say YES! you ignore the mountain of laundry and chores and play you are Jo Montana. ;) and then the little girls always join in on the fun eventually and Baylie said two times 'this is fun' and it was. turning into a nice little habit and we are always happier on days like that. nice to be outside. nice weather we are lucky and nice to do something we all enjoy.
okay, next business. oh man why didn't soccer end a week ago? Because if so even though it was a painful first loss, this week's was much more painful, plus a painful thursday practice where only 3 showed (plus darby) and oh ya the other coach was there who is also coaching allstars looking like he was running drills for the olympics. I looked more like kindergarten. it was baaad. one of the most humiliating moments of my life...and i have done lots of humiliating stuff, i mean I have sung in front of crowd of people very high pitched primary songs that made spectators chuckle, i'm no rookie to humiliation. unfortunately i am a rookie soccer coach and that was very apparent this week.
like seriously i think my team was possessed? and then I was possessed and i'm like who is this crazed person I've become? and yes the game was at 9 AM this morning and it is not past 9 P.M. at nite and I just can't stop thinking about it. analyzing what i could have done better. where i could have played who. if i hurt someone's feelings by sitting them out. seriously its drama. like today i'm thinking i never want to do this ever again in my whole life. that and like i want to convince my girls not to play and just quit and hide and boo.
p.s. at this point you are probably thinking our game was a slaughter which is actually wasn't. it was a pretty tight game and even made the other fancy shmancy coach lose his cool and throw his hat which was a triumph for me :) but seriously we were goofing all over the place it was like they were like its PLAYOFFS and started running with their heads cut off. to illustrate, the keeper did a throew in ! A THROW IN!!!! WHAT THE HECK WAS SHE THINKING? AND OF COURSE THEN SHE GOT SCORED ON 5 SECONDS LATER CAUSE SHE WAS OUT OF THE BOX!!! EVEN THOUGH DARBY HAD BEEN DOING GREAT THROW INS THE WHOLE TIME!!! ?????? I MEAN REALLY.
okay so back to my point. right now i'm thinking why do i try to do things when i'm not good at it and i suck at this and who was i kidding and i'm probably ruining their lives by being their coach but....i know this can't logically be true.
and then i remembered this thing i read this morning. it was article about keeping the commandments. The writer told a family story how the grandpa wouldn't let his son quit his paper route in the winter when it was cold and not fun anymore and it kinda became their family motto:
You can quit in the summer when its easy, but not in the winter when its hard.
So today was totally my winter. and ironically it is winter. and so even though I can't turn off my brain today I know that I don't have a good perspective on it on the moment and just wanting for the crazy brain to pass.
Soccer. Soccer....who knew you would be this emotional ya???
Okay and I have to share this story about tonite.
We went to the temple. And everyone who goes to the temple knows that when you have it planned stuff will try and get in the way. It just happens. Its like Satan knows you are up to good and starts to throw crap at you. So even though I have been very frustrated and have a million things to do, I knew we should stick to the plan and go to the temple.
But then the temple experience was not ideal. There were some obstacles. A lot was because of my self berating and frustration that I couldn't turn off and then other was just quirky stuff that happened out of my control that made it kinda eh. (do not worry, I love the temple. But just like church, not every time is the exact same and some times you get out more of it than other times).
Anyway, so was kinda feeling like this whole thing was a bust sad to say, but then near the end I had the greatest feeling wash over me. I remembered that I was here for one of my family members and that it was worth it to her. And she was grateful. It was important to her that I was there and that my presence was enough.
Life huh? Good, bad, ugly and amazing huh? Never a dull moment. Its been a looooooong dang week.