A whole lot of nothing

Where do I begin?

Well yesterday was fast Sunday where I church was praying and fasting for rain in California and hastening the work of salvation.  On fast Sunday, there are no assigned speakers and anyone can go to the microphone at the pulpit and bear their testimony about Christ and really it can run the gamete from really amazing to oh my goodness.  

I have no qualms bearing my testimony and do it pretty regularly (like a few times a year maybe?), I think a war badge of being an adolescent in Alabama where I feel like you have to be brave to go against the current…or at least thats how it felt then.  Maybe we are always against the current. Also my mom was always bearing her testimony and pretty much I will try my whole life to more like her.  

But yesterday I did not want to bear my testimony.  Nothing particularly why just that I only do it if I feel like I really should, like my heart starts patting hard in my chest.  But I didn't feel like that and probably because life has been a little bent on toughening me up and I have been a little shaken up because of it.  Like maybe cranky people should stay away from microphones.  

Testimony meeting was wonderful though, two recent members really touched me and I really appreciate all those who do go up especially when I have no plans to.  Its very raw and intimidating and I love when people share their stories.  

About five minutes before we were done though, Darby says so me, Mom you should go.  

And then said it again.  Well, but, but, but I was thinking.  

I better get up there cause if Darby wants me to then surely I will. 

So I walk up there quick before someone else can beat me to it and have no idea what I am going to say.  

Because here's the thing, rewind a few days to a conversation I had with a dear friend of mine who concluded that this year has taught that we sure don't know very much.  (kinda like the difference between the 4th and 5th kids for me…4th kid I was super smart, 5th kid, why did I ever think I knew anything?)

The thing about realizing you don't know very much and that everything is all flip flopped and confusing and weird is that you cleave to the very few truths that you do know.  

And for me is this. 

God loves me.  Even in my broken, troublesome state.  He is there.  And He has my back. 

So while I have zero answers and zero solutions I know that my Savior and my Heavenly Father who created me loves me no matter what.  And so if He loves me in my funk, I know He loves you too.  

We do not go to church cause we are fixed or perfect.  No we go to church when we are confused and beat up and don't know which way is up.  And He cradles us there and puts people in our path and tells us little whispers of truth that we cleave onto no matter what.  But He can't tell us anything if we have our fingers in our ears hunched in the corner though I have done that too and still do.  With chocolate.

I have friends and have had friends who have stopped coming to church.  And whatever paths others take I know that I will be there.  Christ and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are it for me.  It makes sense when nothing does and even when certain portions of it seems incongruent with my life in this moment, I know it is still true and I'm going to follow it where ever it takes me.  

So I show up every week and try to be God's teachable student.  And show my kids that we go no matter what.  No matter who else goes or doesn't.  Even though I hope you go with me. 

I love the quote…Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.  

That isn't just someones opinion that is truth.  

So thank you all you wonderful people for teaching me each week.  Thanks to Christ for not giving up on me or any of you.  

Here are few of my favorite talks on our search for truth. 

The latest CES fireside with Elder Tad McCalister

https://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/ces-devotionals/2014/01/what-is-the-blueprint-of-christs-church?lang=eng

And always, President Uchdorft from the latest general conference

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/come-join-with-us?lang=eng

And the talk that should be read and reread, Forget Me Not from relief society conference a few years ago.  

https://www.lds.org/prophets-and-apostles/unto-all-the-world/president-uchtdorf-reminds-sisters-of-five-things-to-forget-not?lang=eng

So there you go.  Enjoy and happy Monday.



p.s.  And of course since life is real and nothing is perfect, Darby and Paisley were wrestling while I was up there and broke my favorite bracelet that I let them wear.  Which I now this is funny but not so much then :)