It is entirely stupid for me to be on the computer right now. I should be sleeping. In fact the only way I can justify it is that maybe this baby sleeping on my shoulder isn't entirely asleep, and these next few minutes of me typing will allow her to really be asleep before I try, again, to have her sleep for the first night in her crib and not disturb her big brother.
But after sitting here in the dark for the past hour with my girl, I have some thoughts.
First of all, I forgot how mad babies can get. Like from 10 p.m til 1:38 a.m. in the morning.
And how tricky they are. How they will be dead weight sleeping in your arms, but BANG as soon as you put them down they are up. They have incredible radar.
I forgot that I have a warm up period. And tonite I might be getting in my groove. Because even on my fourth baby, it still takes me a few days to warm up....or months who knows.
I forgot about the no sleep headaches. But there are some perks to not nursing (my milk is poison remember?). Like that I took Nyquil, 800 mgs of Motrin and 2 extra strength Tylenol before I went to bed at 8:51 p.m tonite. Which is just really ironic because Nyquil with how much sleep I'll be getting is just wrong....
And I've been thinking about Moms.
My friend Erica's mom passed away today. And I have been thinking about her. How my mom grilled me a steak on the bbq today and did my dishes. But that now hers is in heaven. I have so many friends whose moms have passed away and dang it I am lucky. Can't help but wonder which kind of mom I am going to be...the one who gets to stay on earth long to see all her grandbabies grow, or the one who gets to watch out for them on the other side?
A few times growing up I was able to go to other churches. And ironically (because life can be very ironic) twice when I went to someone else's church they talked about Mormons. One time I was handed a sheet of paper (it was a Sunday school type class) with a diagram about what Mormons believe. I was pretty young, like 13 if I'm guessing, and the sheet was wrong. I knew what I believed and that little sheet of paper was wrong. The other time was when there was a speaker (it was a young activity) and of course he was an ex-Mormon and I was about the same age and remember sinking in my chair a little bit. And raising my hand when they asked if you accepted Jesus and believed. Which I raised my hand because #1 - I did, and #2, it couldn't hurt to raise your hand right? and for sure I didn't want to be the only person not raising her hand...not at 13.
But the point I guess as I'm holding my baby early in the nite and my back is starting to hurt so I don't have much time is that ...
I believe that this life is not the end.
I believe that through grace and works, we can live with Jesus again.
I believe that the best part of what I just wrote is that we can live with our FAMILIES FOREVER.
So thats what this life is all about right? To come to earth, get bodies, have joy, be tested and then go home to our Heavenly Father who created us and our Savior.
Which really helps me at now 1:52 a.m. in the morning when I know I'll have a headache in the morning. (because I'll be up at least by 4 a.m. again...)
And really makes me want to give my mom a big hug when I see her. Because she is here now and others are not. Other moms we have to wait to see again.
I'm really grateful for this job I have to be a mother. And guess what? I was barely making it when I had just one baby too. And then again when I had two...and ESPECIALLY when I had three, but I think four is going to be okay....
Because there is a learning curve right? And maybe by the time we are finished with this life we'll have figured out a few things...which means I'll probably live really really old because it will take me longer than the average person to figure some things out. Because I'm a bit slow and stubborn.
I sure hope by kids don't get that part of me, ....but by the sound of this girls screaming tonite, I think she might have.
Now lets go see if I can lay this baby down. Wish me luck.